The Holy Grail

I love coffee. I hate terrible coffee. Most coffee is terrible.

Here’s an ongoing review of the shops that I’ve encountered during my quest for fabulous coffee.

Starbucks– Let’s just get this one out of the way. OH, HELL NO!!! That shit is offensive. You would have to pay me a handsome sum to consume their beverages. How are they still open?

Mud Coffee– I went with a girl who works at Starbucks. She liked it. I dug the vibe- mellow & cozy. Our waitress was on the impatient/dishonest side:┬áthe kind that says something is gluten free or vegan, regardless of it’s ingredients. She made me uneasy, so I played it safe & got a hot cocoa. Restroom? Yeah, I just went there. I’m pretty sure that men & the obese aren’t able to utilize their facilities. Luckily, I don’t identify as either.

Birdbath Neighborhood Green Bakery– They only brew one kind of coffee: the kind that you need to stay away from. First I tried it hot. I spat it out. Don’t judge me. That shit was nasty. Then I saw that they had a cold brew version (toddy). Fuck yussss!!!! Fuck no. It was smoother, due to the brewing process. I surmised that in during the 1.5 seconds that it was in my mouth. Good news: they have plenty of hippie dippy noms. Bad news: not too many of them are vegan.

Caffe Reggio– We walked in. A waitress sat us, walked across the room, walked back & expected us to be ready to order. Maybe I need to take a speed reading course. Speed blogging version of experience: no vegan food, bitchy waitress, scary coffee.

Hungarian Pastry Shop– The first thing that I noticed was their baked goods display. I guess that makes sense. They are a pastry shop. I glanced at the layout/patrons.┬áThe place was full of people who couldn’t hack it as hipsters (sad state of affairs). Whatevs. I’m there for coffee (& hopefully delicious vegan pastries). I ordered a black coffee (no vegan noms). I almost gagged when the runner set it on my table. It was acidic & bitter as fuck. I didn’t even have to taste it to know that. I gave it a go anyway. It assaulted my tongue (bitter, burnt & scalding hot). I pushed it away & backed into the corner of the booth. The stench was so strong that it nauseated me from across the table. I sat there for what seemed like eternity, waiting for my friend to finish his cappuccino. I am neva eva eva going back there. Ever.

Stumptown Coffee Roasters– Located in Ace Hotel, the trustfunder’s paradise. The coffee shop part is pretty much in & out- enough room to order… That’s about it. It opens up into Ace. Swanky crowd- anthropology majors (at the tables) & business moguls (at the bar). Music was subtly playing in the background. You won’t notice it, unless you’re listening for it. Decent selection. The coffee? Bitter- brewed too quickly (incredibly hot water). Vegan dairy options? Soy & rice- not my favs. Palatable? If surgeoned (heavily doctored), palatable. Revisits? Sure… for the bar.